To Love and Protect Page 35

  They had retired to Justin’s country estate outside of London. A shift in power had occurred in Parliament, and with it a new director. The new director of the Foreign Office had approved Justin’s idea of training agents, so a large building had been built where they could come out and train in various fighting techniques, as well as other things an agent must know to be successful and stay alive. She crossed the room and looked out the window to the barn-like building and saw all the normal activity going on. Her maid came into the room just then.

  “Oh, you’re awake, my lady. Lord Southerby had instructed us to let you sleep as long as possible.”

  “I think I have reached that point, Millie. What is all the noise I hear downstairs?”

  “A surprise,” Justin’s brogue said from the doorway. “I’ll help Lady Southerby, Millie. You may come back in a bit and straighten up.”

  “Yes, my lord,” she curtsied before leaving the room and closing the door behind her.

  Justin came up behind her and began rubbing her shoulders and her back. “That feels wonderful,” she sighed. “My back has been aching horribly the last couple of days.”

  “I’m just doing my part. Here?”

  “Lower. Ah, right there,” she sighed.

  “Now let’s get you dressed so you can see your surprise.” Once dressed, Justin solicitously helped her down the stairs and into a crowd of welcoming faces. All of Justin’s family and hers were crowded at the bottom of the stairs. Mikala and Gabriel, as well as Derek and Tessa, the Earl and Countess of Blackburn had come.

  “Happy Birthday!” everyone shouted together.

  “Since there was no question of you coming to us, we came to you,” Justin’s mother stepped out of the crowd. Clarissa noticed that even his grandmother and grandfather were there, and everyone knew they never left Scotland.

  “But my birthday is tomorrow.” Clarissa hugged everyone in turn.

  “We know,” Mikala replied cheerfully. “We traveled up a day in advance so that you wouldn’t be depressed that no one had remembered your birthday.”

  “How are you feeling?” Gertie asked.

  “Tired, but happy.”

  “Are you certain?”

  “Positive. Megan came?”

  “I’m here, Clarissa,” a more subdued, thin, mature Megan greeted Clarissa. The baby kicked hard when Megan hugged her, causing tears to shimmer in Megan’s eyes.

  “I’m sorry,” Clarissa began.

  “No, don’t be sorry. Don’t ever be sorry about this precious life you carry, do you understand?” A lone tear leaked from the corner of Megan’s right eye. Her dark hair sat coiled into a knot on the top of her head.

  “We brought you this,” Justin’s grandfather said gruffly, a husky note to his voice. He put a cradle on the floor. “I made it,” he said almost shyly.

  “It’s beautiful. Thank you!” She embraced the older man, tears shimmering in her eyes.

  “I think it’s time you call me Gramps, don’t you?”

  “Thank you, Gramps,” she laughed, wiping at her tears. That was the thing she hated most about her pregnancy. She had been a watering pot the entire time. She would be glad to have her emotions once more under better control. “Have you all been shown to your rooms?” They shook their heads in the negative.

  “You all do that. I am going for my morning stroll in the garden and pull myself together.”

  “Should you?” Gertie asked worriedly.

  “I’ll be fine,” she insisted.

  “I’ll find you in the garden,” Megan said before turning to carry her bags upstairs.

  Clarissa took her usual walk. She ended up at a gazebo that Justin had built for her as soon as things had settled down. From here, she had a good view of the building where most of the training occurred and the yard in front of it. Prince and King lay protectively at her feet. She shifted as another sharp back pain caught her off guard, taking her breath. It passed seconds later and she took a deep breath.

  “There you are,” Megan said, a heavy shawl wrapped around her shoulders. “It’s been a long time since I’ve been here. I’d forgotten how beautiful it is.”

  “I’m so glad you came. Glad to see you doing well.”

  “I don’t know that I’m doing well, but I am surviving.”

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “What is there to say? I lost everything I loved that day--Liam and the baby. Oh, and don’t forget my favorite horse, as well. Some days I find myself wishing I had not been found and had simply bled to death.”

  “Megan, don’t say anything so horrible.”

  “I know, it would have been the coward’s way out, but perhaps that is what I am. There are days it takes so much effort to simply open my eyes and get up out of bed.”

  “Megan, you’ll never know how sorry I am.”

  “Everyone is. Clarissa, I have to do something. I have to change my life. I need a change of scenery after…everything. Da’ had some business to see to in Dublin, and Mamma and I went with him.”

  “How was it?” Clarissa asked, shifting, attempting to find a more comfortable position. She reached around, rubbing her back.

  “Are you all right?”

  “I will be in a few more weeks,” she smiled weakly. “Go on.”

  “One of Da’s friends approached me. He is raising his grandson. His daughter-in-law died of childbed fever a few weeks after he was born, and his son was killed in a riding accident a few months later.”

  “He needs a governess?” Clarissa asked.

  “No, Clarissa, he needs a wife to protect the interests of his grandson. You see, John, the Earl of Dalmore, is ill. It will be a marriage in name only, and this way I will be able to take care of young Patrick. He has some unscrupulous relatives that want to be guardians over Patrick. If I were to ever remarry, my husband would help me see to his welfare.”

  “I don’t understand. Why?”

  “Because I need to get away from the memories. Everywhere I turn there are memories, whether I am in Dumbarton or at Gram and Gramps. I can’t get past this if everywhere I turn there are reminders.”

  “How old is Patrick?”

  “Six months.”

  “Megan.”

  “I’m not trying to replace the baby, Clarissa,” she held up her hand to halt her. “I have met him and he is the sweetest baby. Coal black hair and laughing blue eyes. He’s going to be a handsome Irish devil someday.”

  “Where will you live?”

  “This is the best thing,” Megan said, her eyes truly sparkling for the first time. “John is a horse breeder. One of the best in Ireland. He is going to sign over the care of the horses to me and will me enough money to keep it going. I will be able to race horses like I’ve always wanted.”

  “If you truly think this is the best thing for you, then I will support you no matter what. I don’t know that I can come and see you. Sea travel does not suit me.” She smiled wryly, just as a sharp pain shot up her back. She arched trying to ease it, but once again, it disappeared as quickly as it had appeared.

  “What’s wrong? And don’t tell me nothing.”

  “I have been having these awful stabs of pain in my back for days,” she answered a bit breathlessly. “They are random, but take my breath when they hit.”

  “Perhaps we should get you to the house,” Megan said, concern lacing her voice. She stood and turned to help Clarissa to stand as well. They left the gazebo and were walking towards the house when Clarissa stepped in a hole hidden by grass. Megan could not catch her before she fell to her knees. “Are you all right?”

  “Clumsy, fat, and awkward,” Clarissa laughed. “Help me up.” She reached for Megan’s hand when a more powerful pain tore up her back. This one hurt more, lasted longer, and reached around the sides of her stomach. “Ah!”

  “What’s wrong? Clarissa, what’s wrong?”

  “I don’t know,” she shook her head, tears coming to her eyes. “Get Justin!” she yelled. />
  “Where is he?”

  “Barn,” she gasped for breath.

  Megan ran as fast as she could while Clarissa remained kneeling on the ground. Clarissa realized just how far away the barn was. She could see it from her bedroom, but it was far away so that no one in the house would be disturbed by the noise.

  If this is the baby, she wasn’t sure if she would make it. The pain already hurt so badly. Perhaps I twisted my back when I fell. She tried to switch positions on the ground, but couldn’t without assistance. She didn’t want to end up like her mother, but at least she knew the baby would have a wonderful father.

  Her eyes widened as a thought struck her. She had been so caught up in falling and the pain, she had almost forgotten. If she had the baby today, or even tomorrow she would receive a very large dividend. No, this could not be happening. Tears rolled down her face. The baby would always be between her and Justin, and it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Not really the baby, but what surrounded it. Just then a pain tore through her body that matched the pain in her heart. Suddenly, Justin was there, kneeling beside her, holding her hand as she squeezed his.

  “What’s wrong?” He pushed her hair off her already sweaty forehead.

  “I fell. I think the baby’s coming. Oh, Justin, I didn’t mean for it to happen today. It can’t happen,” she cried. “We have two more days.”

  “Shhh. Everything will be fine. Let’s get you to our bedchamber and have Grams take a look.”

  Justin lifted Clarissa in his arms and carried her into the house. He began shouting orders, but Clarissa blanked everything out. She kept trying to convince herself that it was not the baby and that everything would be fine. His grandmother met them in the room and tried to shoo him out the door.

  “No. I will not leave her.”

  “Stubborn.”

  “Didn’t Gramps deliver mother?”

  “That was different. There was no one else.”

  “I’m not leaving.” Right then Clarissa grabbed him in a tense grip and yelled into his chest to muffle the sound. He saw his grandmother look at him and the question in her eyes. “She fell outside. The pain started almost immediately.”

  “When it passes, lay her on the bed.” He did as she said. “Talk to her and keep her mind off what I’m doing.”

  “I’m sorry. I don’t want Papa’s money. I didn’t intentionally do this.”

  “Clare, focus on yourself, on the baby.”

  “I don’t want to die either. Do you think I’m stronger than my mother?”

  “Of course you are.” She yelped at something Matilda had done. “Are you finished?” Justin barked at his grandmother.

  “Yes, child. Clarissa, have you had any sort of pain lately?”

  “She mentioned a backache this morning.”

  “Was it a normal, being tired type of backache?”

  “No,” Clarissa said. “Sometimes it would take my breath away.”

  “I’m afraid it is going to be a long, hard day. Help her change and walk with her. It will help everything along.” Justin left Clarissa on the bed and walked to his grandmother. “What are you not saying?”

  “The backache was labor starting. It can be the worst kind. The pains she’s having now are too hard and fast. They are not consistent. Nothing has really happened yet. I’m afraid she is going to tire long before the babe is ready to make an appearance.”

  “She will live.”

  “I’ll do my best.”

  Justin helped her change into a soft, old nightgown and walked her around the room. He held her when the pains came and she cried.

  “If I die, promise to take care of the baby. You’ll be such a good father.”

  “You’re not going to die. Let’s walk some more.” By the time the sun had set on the day, the pains were still hard, but sporadic. When they came upon her the intensity had her doubling over, or holding onto Justin, but they did not seem to be getting closer together.

  “Help her to bed,” his grandmother ordered. “Let her rest while she can. If you are going to stay with her, you can come get me if anything changes.”

  “I will,” he promised. He held her when she slept. When a contraction came over her, he would rub the rock hard firmness of their child. Once when he thought she slept, he talked to the baby, while gently rubbing her stomach. “Your mother loves you very much. I do, too. You have to help her through this. She can’t do this all alone, and I can’t help her like I want to.”

  Tears welled in Clarissa’s eyes.

  “Dear Lord, please keep them both safe. I can’t lose either one. Amen.”

  “I love you,” Clarissa said, caressing his cheek.

  “I love you, too,” he said, and kissed her lips.

  She pulled back, caught up in another contraction. Clarissa thought this felt a little different than the others. “Walk,” she panted, as it passed and she caught her breath. Dawn was beginning to break as he helped her up once more and they began to pace the confines of their bedroom again. Clarissa could tell the pains were becoming more regular and were more consistent in the time they lasted. She walked most of the second day, with naps interspersed when she could.

  The sun was setting and casting long shadows across the room. Clarissa merely measured time in pain, and Justin could only watch and encourage her. She had been laboring for a day and a half and was beginning to become weaker as every hour passed. As darkness entered the room, she could no longer walk she was so exhausted. Pain was a constant wave that coursed over her body, never letting her go. She no longer cried out, but only whimpered.

  Matilda came up to check her with Maureen and Gertrude in tow.

  “Justin, it’s time. You really should leave the room now.”

  “No. I won’t let her face this alone.”

  “Clarissa,” Matilda got her attention. “When you feel the next pain, push with all your strength.” Clarissa felt the old woman’s hand low on her belly. She knew she would feel the tightening of her muscles when Clarissa did. “Now, push now.” Clarissa lay there, fighting against the pain. “Clarissa, did you hear me?”

  “What’s wrong?” Justin looked worriedly from his wife, whose eyes were glazed with pain, to his grandmother.

  “She’s not pushing. She’s fighting it.”

  “Why?”

  “I don’t know. Ask her. She’s your wife,” his grandmother raised her voice at him.

  “Clarissa, you are putting yourself in danger,” Justin looked at her as he spoke. Tears ran down her cheeks. “You have to push.”

  “Not until midnight.”

  “What?”

  “Midnight,” she bit off as another pain racked her body.

  “Bloody hell,” Justin leapt off the bed and raced down the stairs. “Where’s Clarissa’s father?”

  “How is she?” he asked stepping away from the group. His silver hair stood up at odd angles and his eyes were bloodshot.

  “Trying to kill herself because of your stupid will or trust or whatever you want to call it. Have you not told her about the change?”

  “She never lets me. She always cuts me off and leaves the room before I can explain.”

  “You have to tell her now.”

  “Why?”

  “She and the babe are dying,” Justin said, not truly knowing if they were, but she certainly looked close to death when he left her. “She refuses to have it until after midnight. She is fighting it being born!”

  “I can’t go in there. Not since seeing my wife die in childbed.”

  “Damn you! Then yell from the door, but she has to know!” Justin yelled before rushing back to her side. Fear took over as he sat beside her and half raised her into his arms. “Clarissa, your father has something to say to you. You must listen.” Her eyes glazed with pain, she could only nod.

  “I made a mistake. When I was still in Scotland, after you left, I met with a solicitor. I rewrote the will and made a new trust. I know you don’t want any money from me after wh
at I have done, but I want your children to have what they need. There is no deadline. I’m sorry for all I have done, please don’t leave me like your mother did. I couldn’t stand to lose both of you.”

  “Don’t want it,” Clarissa whispered. “Orphanages,” she told Justin, before another pain ravaged her body.

  “What did she say?” Hamilton demanded to know.

  “She wants you to donate the money to orphanages.”

  “Whatever she wants. Consider it done. I love you, Princess.”

  “Love you, too, Papa,” she said after months of not saying much of anything to the older man. The Duke of Hamilton quietly closed the door leaving the room to its occupants.

  Clarissa bit her chapped, lower lip, causing a bloody spot to appear. Her eyes met Justin’s. “I’m sorry I accused you of using me as stud service,” he whispered for her ears only. He stopped as she was gripped once more with pain, this times a harsh moan escaped her lips. They were giving her no rest now. “I was hurt because I loved you so much. I didn’t want a baby to be the only reason you wanted me.”

  “Never was.”

  “Deep down, I knew that. And then when there was no baby, I was disappointed.”

  “Love you, too, that’s why,” she broke off as pain racked her. “That’s why the baby has to wait. I had hoped it would make a late appearance. And now, after all this time,” she broke off. “I have to prove the money doesn’t matter. You do.”

  “No, dammit, you have to push, Clare. I will not lose you. We have both been fools for so long. You matter. Please, sweetheart. I love you. I don’t want to become like your father and have to raise our baby alone,” he whispered, tears gathering in his eyes as he thought of what a bleak future it would be.

  “You’re crying.”

  “What do you do when you are about to lose everything that matters most to you?”

  “You aren’t going to lose me,” she broke off as another contraction took over. “I’m so tired.”

  “You can do this. Just don’t fight it. Grams said you have to work with them. Push when they come.” She nodded weakly.

  “Get behind her and prop her up,” Matilda commanded. She would have made an excellent general. She barked commands that finally got through to Clarissa. He whispered in her ear how much he loved her and that soon the pain would be over.